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Deprecated: Function ereg() is deprecated in /home/stihi24/public_html/ipoet24.ru/system/header.php on line 63

Deprecated: Function mysql_numrows() is deprecated in /home/stihi24/public_html/ipoet24.ru/system/header.php on line 118

Deprecated: Function mysql_numrows() is deprecated in /home/stihi24/public_html/ipoet24.ru/system/header.php on line 121

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Я Поэт 24.ру Стихи о любви Публикация : стихи и рассказы - Это не стих. Это призыв. - Стихи без категории
Добавь приложение вконтакте Я поэт 24 часа

Зарабатывай на материалах по школьной литературе



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Это не стих. Это призыв.


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Дата: 2013-11-02 15:21 Просмотров 1275
Рейтинг произведения 2,07
Одобряю Не одобряю

Мы так часто теряем. Терять — это участь
всех тех, что шагает по хрупкой Земле.
Мы всё время пытаемся вызнать, где лучше,
чтобы жизнь не оставить в удавке-петле.

«Я же сильный» - коронная фраза бойца,
но в реальности ты — лишь запуганный пес.
Нам так страшно терять и идти до конца,
нам так стрёмно обгадить собственный хвост.

А судьба бьет в ответ. Ухмыляется. Щурится.
Ей противны все фобии и трусов инстинкты.
Мы пришли отыскать своё счастье с улицы,
где пугали ловушки и лабиринты.

Ты не хочешь назад. И пристало ль терять
Эти грязные деньги/работу и псевдолюбови?
Посмотри, мы ведь стадо теперь, а не рать!
Чем убито стремление к воле?


ПРОЧИТАЛ? - ОСТАВЬ КОММЕНТАРИИ! - (19)
Отправить жалобу администрации
11.   Разместил Попелышкин Максим   2013-12-24 21:00    

Девушки, если Вы испытываете непреодолимое желание кого-то пнуть или кому-то плюнуть в морщинистую харю – для этого на сайте существует Вася! ))

12.   Разместил Александра Алмазова   2013-12-24 21:23    

Какой грубый и обидчивый автор здесь. Почему всегда, чем хуже человек пишет, тем больше огрызается?

13.   Разместил Галина Эрзина   2013-12-24 21:28    

Юленька, что за двойные стандарты? Субъективные похвалы тебя вполне удовлетворяют.

14.   Разместил Юлий Волк   2013-12-24 21:44    

Женщины, вы как на базаре)) Чем хуже автор пишет, тем чаще цепляется к другим) Особенно это Эрзиной касается! Да-да, именно Вас, Галечка ;)

15.   Разместил Галина Эрзина   2013-12-24 22:05    

Юлий, ты перепутал, меня критикуют не здесь. Здесь ты отвечаешь за своё графоманство.

16.   Разместил Юлий Волк   2013-12-24 23:34    

Ты у Васи что ли научилась? У него и то лучше критиковать получается))

17.   Разместил Danish   2013-12-27 13:29    

Юля, да, написано эмоционально. По-поводу политических взглядов - согласен. Но!

У вас каждый катрен живёт сам по себе. В каждом разная схема рифмовки. Это нехорошо. Вас пока ещё ведут за собой рифмы, а не смысл.
А схема рифмовки, выбранная в первом катрене, должна соблюдаться на протяжении всего стихотворения. Есть, разумеется, исключения из этого правила, но они должны быть оправданы содержанием и смыслом. Смена рифмовки должна подчёркивать основную мысль, ход сюжета, как и смена ритма. Ну, например, рэповые вставки в песнях. А здесь я не вижу необходимости эту схему менять.

Чтобы было понятнее: в первом катрене у вас чередование рифм: женская-мужская, женская-мужская. Во втором - все мужские. Здесь бы я согласился, катрен жёсткий. Но следом идёт третий катрен, где рифмовка: дактиллическая-женская, дактиллическая-женская. Это уже на причитание похоже. Жёсткость потерялась. И "щурится - улицы" рифма заезженная.

В третьем катрене, к тому же, непонятно, кто кого пугал. Мы пугали ловушки, или они нас пугали. В угоду размеру выброшено местоимение "нас", отсюда и непонятность.

И последний катрен, рифмовка: мужская-женская, мужская-женская. Ни одного одинакового катрена)). Нет цельности произведения. Оно развалилось на фрагменты, отдельные высказывания.

Концовка стиха - вопрос "в зал": "чем убито стремление к воле?"
А чем? Вывода нет. Призыв задуматься? Да, присутствует. Но слабовато по отношению к заголовку.

Потому вам отрицательных отзывов и написали. Не стоит огрызаться. Лучше распросить критикующих, почему стих не нравится. Это более конструктивный путь.

В сторону Галины и Александры: если нет времени выписывать конкретные претензии, то лучше проходите мимо. Иначе на пустом месте возникает конфликт.

18.   Разместил Юлий Волк   2013-12-27 14:32    

Даниш, я знаю, что стихотворение не идеальное, но менять то, что пришло извне, я не хочу, ибо это кощунство. Тем более, я не раз писала, что не гонюсь за всемирной славой. Пишу скромно...для себя, в основном. Касаемо концовки..вот тут как раз-таки всё так, как и должно быть - риторический вопрос. Люди сами должны ответить себе на него, а не я. Спасибо за разбор. А огрызаются тут другие - не я.

19.   Разместил Галина Эрзина   2013-12-29 17:54    

Юля, а Вы оказывается умеете вполне адекватно разговаривать.

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